The Unspoken Realities

The unspoken realities
Realities which have come to validate my experiences
Experiences faced each day yet remain shelved
Shelved in order to avoid being judged and or rejected
 Rejection that keeps one caged right back into those unspoken realitiesRealities which turn to suffocate ones well-being
A well-being that is needed to level inner peace

What then is stopping me from expressing true peace?
Fear? Fear might be the one thing stopping us from truly speaking to our reality
Holding me hostage, knowing that only I have the key to set myself free

My experiences have come to dictate my expressions and my expressions reveal a story so confusing, the light inside my eyes shine right at the pain deep inside. However freedom from these chains depends only on me for yes only I carry the key to my inner peace..


By: Linda RM Baumann
12h52
09 September 2018

Being Stalked and Targeted

Being Stalked and or Targeted... I am not sure how to translate this action of my experience TODAY. Yesterday whilst attending my son’s Debutant Dance upon returning to my car and getting ready to drive I realized the steering wheel feels heavy and the wheels moving heavier. I get out of the car and see that my right front wheel is flat- which was odd of cause. And upon seeking aid to just change the wheel, I realize that my left back wheel is also flat. In that moment we had to leave the car right there as there was only one spare wheel and not to mention it was late, so we returned home. 

Today when the wheels were inspected we realized that the car's wheels were stabbed with a knife which basically means this particular individual(s) had the time to walk from the front right wheel to the left back wheel unless otherwise done… Now that was a meditated action as there were so many cars parked all over the church hall but my car was the target. 

This evening whilst getting some items from the shop, I drove off from the shopping centre and as all drivers do – keeping my eyes on the mirrors. Whilst driving I notice this white corolla with tinted windows- no number plate that was driving behind me since I left the shopping centre, then it got closer to my car. The next moment, this car was driving so close that I had to drive towards the edge of the lane as they literally tried getting me off the road. 

In that moment I panicked but tried to keep calm. I held on to my steering wheel to keep on the road and just decided there is no way I am pulling off or being pushed off the road to crash into something, I kept straight on the road however I reacted by threatening to push back with my wheel which at least got the other car to move away a little - that didn't stop them however, so I hooted and drove off. 

Sitting here, reflecting on it – makes me realise that this is no different from what I was experiencing during 2015-2016 when I used to be stalked or tracked by different vehicles which always had tinted windows, I remember always experiencing two particular cars that always drove behind me, I remember how I returned to my car one day and found a line drawn into the body paint from one door to the other and a message written “fokken moffie- jou bek", I remember my phone giving signs of being tapped, I remember so much that I ask myself WTF and WHY!!! My oblivious reaction to this experience is calling me to finally be more assertive. I do not want to label why however I wish to understand why this has been happening...

Linda RM Baumann

10 April 2018

19h59

As my body Screams

Wonder beholds me as I lay and think of who I really am and how much I actually know myself sexually…

Embarking on a journey hidden deep within it, all trying to rediscover love for myself- Pain was portrayed a side reality which only I can repaint to create a colourful utopia- 

A world where misty mornings and cooler nights soothe me – I realised that happiness relies on me knowing every inch of my body, a lust for pleasure develops as I ponder how well I really know me.

I undress myself figuratively, I like it better when I’m naked, thoughts of touching myself all over – caress my body and don’t overlook an inch as I instruct you to bow down and submit to my pussy – fantasize with me and find my clit, dive right in and start licking – don’t stop until I scream.

See my body shout all these commands and with the ejaculation present between my thighs I know what pleasures me as I further imagine you to go inside- 

Faster… More- don’t forget to keep your eyes on me - moans enter my mouth as I feel you deep inside me, a feeling I can’t resist as all I want is to let go soaking wet I feel you pausing deep inside.  My body shivers as I gasp for air screaming your name a fire so intense and full of heat.

I know where every switch of my body resides- I understand my body as I figuratively explore my expressions and inner identity because the boundaries that are – have kept me hostage and imprisoned me for so long.

And here I am today able to fantasize, dream, lust, long and advert my imagination into my own epiphany filled with passion and intensity for I own my body with each sensational appendix

Wonder beholds me as I lay and think of how free I truly am, how I know my body, my emotions, my feelings and inner expressions. 

By: Linda RM Baumann

06 August 2018

18h37

Is the notion of gender representation feasible

In reflection if gender representation is a feasible notion, I should say that Namibia has indeed progressed over the years with striking a balance in reaching 50/50 by enacting 50/50 alternating list. Within the political fraternity credit needs to be given to the ruling party SWAPO who made an in house political decision to ensure women recognition in politics is attained and advanced. 

I would however want to further the discussion beyond the recognition in representation as equality and equity are key factors to reflect on within this developmental agenda of gender parity and socio-economic development of all women. 

It’s evident that the extended discussion of deconstructing gender has not progressed thus it is questionable whether the 50/50 list is just not a list fill up as its evident that the broad narrative and concepts of women’s issues are not holistically understood to ensure women in leadership should able to withstand notions of patriarchy and misogyny as their role in parliament and key political positions are instrumental to the overall wellbeing of women in Namibia. 

The survey done amplifies the progress we have in the country yet also clearly indicates that there is a high level of cultural and traditional representation of how men view women and that they (men) still believe that it’s better for women to take care of the children and home- that indicator says a lot of where we still are socially as a country. As a nation we need to interrogate within the framework of equality and equity what the following concepts mean for us in development and that to unpack narratives such as gender equality, gender balance, gender empowerment, gender responsive and gender transformation as these are key factors for development.

I believe it’s time that the women’s movement is rived in the country as back in the days of 2007 we had a very vibrant, proactive and collective women’s movement that ensured social and legislative transformation is experienced, lived and realised by all women. 

By: Linda RM Baumann

03 August 2018

17h49

See Link: 

http://afrobarometer.org/publications/ad224-though-leader-gender-representation-namibia-still-has-work-ensure-full-equality

 

Happy 6th Birthday Simaneka Baumann

Today marks the 1^st year that I am not waking up next to my son and holding him to remind him of another year added on his age.  He turned 6 years old and it gets me to reflect on the journey we have walked thus far… Being a parent to a child has not been an easy journey and especially having a day to day responsibility knowing he depends on me.

I have come this far with all the comments, questions and reflections received from people out there about how a lesbian woman can be a mother to a child. Being a mother is not only reflectional of the overall womb expression however being a mom narrates a completely different reality of what a child deserves to have at all times.

I have come this far in raising children who are so beautiful and respectful to themselves and their surroundings that I commit to continue giving you the same values and a better life as you grow through this world.

Nostalgia creeps in as …

I remember having to wait for 8 hours, filled with extreme stress yet excitement of your arrival,

I remember how you brightened and warmed up the family home,

I remember how you refused breastmilk but managed to grow so big no baby clothes would fit

I remember how my nights were sleepless as you kept us awake all night

I remember how on impulse I had to make up a song for you, a song that- until today is so dear to you, to me and everyone else who seeks to grab your attention

I remember how you would stand at the gate and refuse to go in the house as you wait on my arrival from where ever

I remember how you made up your own mobile number and when asked what your cell phone number was– you would say 081 249… and today you are able to share mommy’s number by heart.

I remember all those moments when you decided to be on idols, performing in front of the TV and today you call yourself DJ Sim-sim

So many memories of greatness and sentimentally engraved as we journey through life, know that Mommy will never turn her back on you… Happy Birthday my Boy… #SimaAt6years

By: Linda RM Baumann 

07h09 

22 May 2018

He loves Me but the Bruises won’t stop

I see how he looks at me from the corner of his eye

I can feel his breath so close to my neck, goosebumps start to show

My mind races my heart every moment that passes

Confronting me endlessly about pointless scenarios not designed to be questionable

His insecurities have a way of showing its ugly spirit however that doesn’t make him a bad man

I understand his character and yes he gets out of hand at times but…

I know he loves the being within me that I am too afraid to love

I know he adores me as the only one he wants

I am special to him and that creates fear, unquestionable fear “that the one you love is bound to walk out on you”

We’ve come a long way and he has become calmer as time goes, he still likes to keep me to himself

“A treasure like no other- a treasure I cannot keep out of my sight for the pirates might steal my beautiful treasure” he says

I believe him, though the people around me see it different, I believe him

The bruises stop mattering after a while you know, they become embedded within my skin- apart of me actually

Bruises are who I am – or not?

I too carry fear- fear that one day I won’t be able to stop him, fear that one day he wont listen to me when I yell out to him to stop and that I’m sorry

But my biggest fear is that I wont be able to wake myself up from this nightmare in time…

By: Linda RM Baumann

05h28

17 May 2018

The AIDS and Rights Alliance for Southern Africa (ARASA) Training of Training of Trainers (TOT) 2017

I feel honored to have produced this small clip of our Training - 

The AIDS and Rights Alliance for Southern Africa (ARASA) Training of Training of Trainers (TOT) 2017 Video production of our memories during our 2017 TOT...

I had 3 hours to work with a program introduced to me over two days... The memory shall remain... as we screened this on our graduation ceremony. 

 The following seven participants received special awards for outstanding performance during the year and for their commitment to the programme: 

• ARASA Trainer of the year: Pauline Tlhako, Botswana
• First runner up Trainer’s Trainer award: Kelvin Makura, Zimbabwe
• Second runner up Trainer’s Trainer award: Ndume Elie, Democratic Republic of Congo
• Trainer’s Trainer 2017 Award: Linda Baumann, Namibia
• Facilitator of the year Award: Zee Ndlovu, MSF, South Africa

Link to the Video...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLQP-dPx1Kw&feature=youtu.be

Link to the Article...http://arasa.info/info/newsletters/welcome-26thedition-arasa-newsletter/growing-cadre-hiv-tb-and-human-rights-activists-southern-and-east-africa/